Autom is my favorite season. Yet, it's a dichotomy For many reasons too. I think it's the best time of year! I have many, fond memories that occurred in the Fall.
It stimulates the senses , their heightened at new levels , and awakens my soul!.
Some, see fall as a metaphor for Death & Dying and, Spring for renewal and new Beginnings.
However I feel more alive in the autumn! I love the various, changing vibrant, colorful leaves, the crisp, cool air , the cooler temperatures and the smell of wood burning in the fireplace, scented air freshener, Apple spice and cinnamon. Also, like the smell and taste of apple cider and , hot baked bread. All of that, is, most, definitely, a JRE , ( Just Right Experience for sure! ).
I recall Hay Rides, sing-a-longs, apple picking and shopping for new clothes and shoes. Shnuggling under comfy blankets reading a good book or listening to my favorite music!.
Normally, I, do, not like being, near a store and I'm not like most women!. I especially, do, not enjoy spending more than an hour selecting and trying on clothes and shoes!. It's a bore!, and gives me a headache!.
Yet, I adore fabrics worn in the Fall and winter: , silk, satin and especially, very soft cotton or fleece. This evoked emotions of: Warmth, comfort, safety, security, pleasure and happiness!.
It's like, having that big bowl of homemade soup , fresh hot Bread, or a cup of coco that Mom made when growing up!. It's, like, the feeling you get, when you hear the dryer turning and drying your clothes and when removing them, they are, now, shnugglie warm and fabric fresh, scented, soft ,just like, the warm and fuzzy blanket on your bed that helps you sleep like a baby!.
Old shoes also bring feelings of contentment and relaxation!. Actually, it's mostly, slippers and PJ's, that make me feel the best!. Though, I do, love, soft, new, leather!. The stronger the scent of leather, the better!. It's like smelling flavored coffee, ocean breezes, Autom leaves, fabric softener, and Men's cologne.
Halloween is also fun, is one of my favorite Holiday's. one, can be, someone, or something they, are not!. They, can , be silly and ridiculous and be in some, other, Character ,other, than themselves!. Those of us, whom, are more introverted, and retreat to our rooms, and are alone with our thoughts somehow, get enjoyment, in being someone, other, than myself. ( at least ,I did).
This was also the case with an activity like writing. Writing was ,and is, a form of expressing oneself in ways that cannot be done through any other medium! It was a place for me , to give me, a voice and appreciate myself, increase understanding of who I was, am, cleared my mind, soothe my soul, healed my heart, diminished isolation and loneliness, became an imaginary friend, gave me hope and , gave meaning. It was my salvation!. It made me feel alive!.
It taught me lessons, improved my writing, sparked creativity, was enlightening , thought provoking and introspective!.
For some reason, I spend more time, in the fall and winter in my room, in my haven, for many hours, scribbling notes, recording entry's in my journal, pondering, wandering ,somewhere else , soothing the shy, cautious child , the anxious and awkward teenager and the adult whom over analyzes situations, has anxiety or may, worry, maybe, a little too much!.
Perhaps, it's because , with, the cooler weather , most, spend less time outdoors and more, doing indoor activities. For these reasons, it's my favorite season!.
Despite saying this, It's also, one of the worse times of year for me!. When, come September ,it meant back to school!. Though, I have always enjoyed learning, it meant, having to do more reading and Math homework
!.
Some, of you know, Math is, my worse subject!. I never plan on being an accountant or a bookkeeper !. Reading, for a child with limited sight, was not fun!. It was, more of a chore!. It was tedious and a laborious activity. Something, that should, be enjoyable for a child, where, he or she looks forward to reading new stories, imagining they, are , their favorite character , or traveling and visiting a faraway place is not, for a partially sighted kid who is not given the opportunity to learn Braille, or in my case, resist, learning Braille at age 10!. Who, wants , to be different from the rest?, from other classmates ?, acknowledge, that, you, are, Blind ?and, are different, that, you, can, not see, well, enough, to really, read a book as quickly and efficiently as your peers??!. We,could,not have that!. So, I rebelled! I was feisty, even back then, and said, no!, I'm, fine!, I can and will read Print!. So, I did!, but as I got older, and the Print, smaller, it was more challenging!.
In High School, I finally, recognized , that there are some subjects that, I, needed to at least, at minimum, order on cassette from Recording for the Blind and give my only , half ,good eye, a break!. Those, were, History and English Literature!. I still, enjoyed reading Novels for American Lit visually back then and also courses, like Math, chemistry and Spanish, were, just, way ,too visual to just, listen too!. So, I, at least, had my Math books in Large-print!.
I digressed!. As said, September was the beginning of school and more reading and test taking!. I have, performance anxiety, even still, as an adult, though, it's not, as bad as it was then!
Although, I did not excel academically , I managed to get decent grades and get my Degree. ( Though, a BA degree, is not considered to be as much of an achievement today, as it was, a generation ago!. ).
Academics were not, the only, reason , why, this, was, a not, so, good, time ,of year for me. As some of you know, I was, frequently Bullied as a kid and it was worse, in the Autom, being a new Kid, starting a new School year and trying, and hoping to make some new Friends. But, again, the pattern continued, I barely, made any friends, and the bullying was, something I endured for many years!. It fortunately, and, unfortunately, affected me in both good and bad ways, changed my personality, reshaping it, and did, have an impact on, how I am today!. It made me emotionally stronger, more compassionate, more empathetic, and it built Character!.
It made me a little more shy, definitely more cautious, more sensitive, less trusting. But, it gave me the ability to solve problems through critical thinking and analysis, through quiet resolve and turning to an outlet , like writing , as a tool for self-expression. I sought comfort and understanding as I wrote, to thy self, my, notebook, diary, my imaginary friend, even, when, I felt like I could not confide in anyone, not, even my immediate family.
Through writing, I gained a skill and thus, writing compositions came pretty easily!. It became like dancing or playing basketball , fun and effortless!. I could be hidden away, tucked in the corner, at my desk, among my thoughts , making a little, sense of what occurred that day, week, releasing emotions , at times, finding a little peace, and healing the heart
I would write for hours and lose track of time, just ,as I am now!. Due, to these experiences, Writing, has become my Passion!. It, is part of who I am, just like my hair color, blindness, and my ability to have compassion for others!
Last, I lost my sight 3 times while In College, two of those times , were in the Fall!. At the time, I was not well adjusted to Blindness!. In fact, Wasn't adjusted at all back then!. I, still, functioned as a High Partially sighted person, who, was able to " pass" as , a sighted person, most of the time!. I read regular print, did not use, a cane, or a dog, performed all daily living tasks mostly visually , could see people, play sports a little, read large print music, and hand wrote Compositions, Biology Lab Reports for class and letters to family and friends with Pen and Paper.
So, when I had a sudden major loss of sight , I felt helpless!, scared, anxious and depressed!. I try and forget, those times, but, somehow, my brain, my neurotransmitters , somehow, like to hold onto as much data as possible ,even though, some, of it, could, should, be forgotten or purged from the mind!. My mind, is like my e-mail in-box, holds onto most everything, message, every piece of data, in case, it's needed to be retrieved and recalled ,or sent to self to solve a problem or help another!. ( smile).
Now, after Reading this, you may, understand the dichotomy I experience this time of year. It does, evoke sad memories, and more, challenging times , yet, gives me strength and all, these experiences are blessings!.
